Struggling

I have been struggling for the last few months with being a mom and wife.

It started when Becca asked "Why she only had one set of grandparents?"

It made me stop when she said that, and made me think about what she said. It made me realize that my kids really do have one set of grandparent, when in fact they have two. One set cares, the other set doesn't.

How do I answer her question honestly? How do I tell her that my parents don't even want to be in our lives? How do I try to answer her questions when I do not know the answer myself. I wish I could say I prayed and read scriptures for help when I haven't or asked for help from anyone.

I have been hiding this pain for so long and Becca asking just a simple question, makes me cry. I have come to the fact I have to let go of the hurt, anger, sadness, and quilt. I have to move on to be the better person for myself and my family. I need to shed the extra weight that hurts my heart and beliefs.

When I was a kid, I knew in my heart that my parents did not want me. The way they treated me was different then my brothers, the way they never stood up for me, belittled me, and never seemed to listen. I was a good student, friend, respected those around me and helped others. I did not do drugs or alcohol, I took care of my brothers, played sports, and tried to do the right things. I am not perfect, I did make many mistakes and got blamed for the ones I didn't even do.

When I was 8 right after I was baptized, I decided not be like my parents. It was about a year or two later that my parents divorced. Every kids blames themselves for awhile. When I was a little older I started asking questions about why the divorce happened? Why my mom was always talking bad about my dad? Why my dad stopped trying to see my brothers and me? I had so many questions and nobody would talk to me, they would brush me off or get angry and ground me. This was my life, to be used, put down, belittled, and ignored by my mom. To this day my mom treats me like I am not good enough because I broke her control.

My dad was never there, he was also getting remarried with woman who had their own kids. He stopped coming to see, calling, and writing my brothers and I. Then he ended up in prison for the last 9 years. When ever he calls or writes it to ask for something or asking for money. Now that he has gotten out of prison, he wants to try to be in my life.

The one thing my parents are always doing is putting me in the middle of their fight. They ask me to get information from each and then tell the other one that information. I feel like the adult and them the children. With all they do and how they make me feel, is it know wonder I am struggling with being mom and wife.

I am used to all the negativity in my life, that I am forgetting people love me(I think). I want to let go and be free of this pain and live for my self and my family. In order to let go I need to pray, honestly read my scriptures, and ask for help. The three things that are the hardest for me to do. I feel a little better getting some of the pain out in writing, instead of bottling it all up(which I am very good at).

I am trying to be a better person, friend, wife and mother. It will be hard and slow, but I need to let go. I have come to the fact that my mother will never see me for me, she will never know her wonderful grandchildren and that will be her doing. I have tried and tried, now it is up to her. My dad wants in my life and I do not know what to do! They both hurt me, I am having a hard time forgiving because they keep doing the same things over and over.

My answer to Becca was as honest as I could give her and that was that my parents do not have the time. I told her it was nothing she did, but mine. My sweet girl told me that they were missing out! I would have to agree with her. I was given three wonderful blessing and one good man. I know I suck being a mom and wife sometimes, but at the same time I know I'm doing something good. I have to keep telling myself I am worth it and try to heal!